One anxious night; The truth about being an overthinker

“Yang ditunggu, yang diharap, biarkanlah semesta bekerja untukmu.”

– Rehat, Kunto Aji.

I had gloomy days several days ago. I could easily blame the hormones (because it’s my menstrual cycle), but I know it’s just a trigger.

I can be so anxious when I think too much.
And here goes the time. After what I’ve written on my post about new year resolution, I think that was a challenge I need to face.

One Tuesday night, I got a sudden sadness “attack”. I already felt so tired but also need to do lots of stuff that time. Then comes my anxiety, which suddenly changed into a “sadness attack”. I cried all night. It was hard for me to sleep because I couldn’t stop crying that time.
I felt so sad and find nobody because it was midnight.

Things I learned about leaving.

In the past 3 days, my life turned upside down. It’s kind of complicated. A misunderstanding between me and someone.

Actually, I had been thinking about leaving my room a year ago. I just thought I could not fit in there. But yeah, I finally could leave yesterday after all the drama.
I write this to release everything inside my mind.

What did I feel right now?
Anger, sadness, disappointed, guilt and other unidentified emotions. I lost my concentration and it feels hard to be mindful in everything I did for past three days.

But also, there are three things I learned about my leaving.

Aku Sedang Ingin Bersyukur

"Minggu adalah hari yang paling aku sukai" | Unsplash.com

Kenapa?
Karena di saat itulah aku menemukan jalanan lengang pada pukul 7 pagi. Hal inilah yang membuatku sangat suka jalan-jalan naik motor di hari minggu pagi.

***

Pagi ini, sepulang membeli sarapan, aku merasa sangat bersyukur. Tuhan Maha Baik padaku di tahun ini. Sangat baik sampai aku sering lupa untuk mengucap syukur dan beribadah lebih baik.

Pernahkah Kamu Merasa Lelah Meski Sedang Melakukan Hal yang Paling Kamu Inginkan?

source: unplash

Gelas caffe latte milikku nyaris kosong.

Sudah satu jam berlalu di tempat nugas favoritku dan aku masih merasa sedang menghindari untuk mengerjakan tugas yang masih super banyak sebenarnya.

Mungkin pikiranku sedang butuh untuk dikeluarkan. Keresahanku sedang butuh untuk didengarkan, dituangkan dalam bahasa yang dapat aku maknai dan bisa aku baca ulang ketika aku butuh.

***

Sudah bulan November yang berarti sebentar lagi tahun berganti. Satu semesterku, sebagai mahasiswa profesi akan segera berlalu. Akan ada libur panjang yang benar-benar aku butuhkan dalam perjalanan yang cukup melelahkan ini.

Iya, sepertinya aku sedang kelelahan.

Berhenti Menulis

Saya merasa, saya ingin berhenti menulis. 

Sejak penghujung 2016 hingga saat ini, saya menenggelamkan diri pada bacaan fiksi yang cukup serius. Bagi teman-teman yang secara pribadi terhubung dengan media sosial saya yang lain, seperti Twitter dan Instagram, akan tahu pasti bacaan-bacaan saya itu. Selain keinginan pribadi untuk belajar mencintai dan menyelami sastra, mungkin itu adalah cara saya melarikan diri. Saya sedang kabur dari keinginan saya untuk menulis. 

Iya, saya sedang merasa kesulitan untuk menulis.

Berbicara Cinta #2: Perihal Komitmen

“Cinta itu nggak butuh alasan. 
Bertahan dalam cintalah yang membutuhkan alasan.”

Pernyataan itu saya tuliskan saat salah seorang sahabat meminta saya membuat sebuah “kata-kata puitis” untuk ia kirimkan pada seseorang. Sebenarnya saya nggak berniat untuk memberikan dua kalimat itu. Ada 3 kalimat lainnya yang saya tawarkan untuk ia pilih. Namun, sahabat saya menilai kalimat terakhir itulah yang paling tepat.

Saya sendiri merasa tertampar membaca dua rangkai kalimat itu. Selama beberapa bulan terakhir, sejak tulisan pertama saya: Berbicara Cinta, saya berkontemplasi. Saya berusaha memaknai apa itu cinta dan bagaimana sebenarnya bentuk relasi antara dua orang yang sedang jatuh cinta. Pencarian saya ini justru sempat membuat saya menjadi skeptis terhadap cinta.

(Aku tidak suka) AADC #2

“Akhirnya kau hilang. Kau meninggalkan aku –

dan kenangan kini satu-satunya masa depan yang tersisa.”

- Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini (halaman 71).

Aku tidak pernah berharap untuk lekas-lekas melupakanmu. 

say something.

Cinta. 

Bukankah kata itu seharusnya sudah cukup?

Cukup untuk mewakili seluruh perasaanku. Cukup untuk membuatmu tetap tinggal. Cukup untuk membuat kita tetap ada. Cukup untuk memaafkan semua kesalahpahaman yang terjadi. Cukup untuk membuat semuanya menjadi baik-baik saja.

Imbroglio.

@Nisrinays

“We feel motivated because we choose to, not because the sun happens to shine on our side of the street.” 

- Via Blinkist.com

Have you ever been so tired that all you want to do nothing? 

That at one time, you just want to give up for everything you have done, you have been fighting for. That life, is somehow seems unfair. 

Have you ever got that feeling?

The next question is, what do you do to make everything better? 

Fight or flight?

Face it or avoid it?

Sticky Notes.

Image source here.

Have you ever heard about labeling theory?

I got it when I was on Social Psychology class. 

It is said that labeling means defining someone's behavior as right or wrong based on their origin (groups,environment, family, and friends). Not because they are truly right or wrong. One wrong thing that was done by a person, could be defined as right thing if it's done by another person.

See?

Who likes being labeled?

So let's put on someone else's shoes before judging.

 I always believe that life is about learning, forgiving, loving and helping each other.

Also, life is about growing up.

*

I really need a shoulder to lean on.

Nisrina.

Persona

I’d just slapped. Not literally, hahaha.

Yesterday was a sunny afternoon – after raining for several days – when I met my high-school best friend. It was a simple conversation, very simple but for me, it makes me think more. About me and this blog, my writings.

“You have changed or just growing up? I don’t know.

I thought, there’s something different about your posts (on blog). I just thought that there’s something you hide between your words. Do you make some boundaries?

What I know is that I was bored with your last writings."

Definitely, she said something which I’d questioned to my self recently. She found it. She showed me the wrong part.

Though what she said isn’t 100% true.

what you need to know when you are 20 year old.

Sketched by Nisrina.

What is your definition about “being productive”?
Some people might say: doing something that earn some money.
Or doing some projects.
Or creating something new.
Or…. Anything else?
This question leads me to write this post.
*

I never thought that being 20 year-old would be much complicated. 

You are no longer an adolescent. But then, it feels weird to call yourself as an adult because you are too young too be in this category. You still have to do your tasks and roles as an adolescent, plus, your new tasks and roles as an early adult. 

Enough? Not yet. 

These new tasks and new roles in society would successfully create a conflict within yourself.

a clear mind.

Huge things will happen in our life.

It’s like a volcanic eruptions: when it happened, everything around becomes fell apart. Everything changed until the original form no longer visible; the only thing left is memories.

This is the stage of life.

hypothesis.

© image are courtesy of nisrina.

Akan selalu ada pertanyaan yang muncul dalam pikiran kita yang seringkali tidak dapat kita temukan begitu saja jawabannya. 

Mungkin kita akan menemukan jawabnya setelah kita berusaha mencari.
Mungkin juga tidak: pencarian kita berakhir sia-sia.

Mungkin saja waktu akan memberikan jawab tanpa perlu kita minta, kita hanya perlu sedikit bersabar.
Mungkin juga tidak: waktu kita habis hanya untuk menanti jawab.

Mungkin pula,

hal-hal kecil yang (mungkin) tidak kau tahu.

Ada kalanya seseorang menceritakan masalahnya padamu bukan untuk meminta penyelesaian atau hal-hal lain yang bisa terucap oleh bibirmu.

Bisa saja ia hanya butuh didengarkan.

Karena untuk beberapa orang, itu sudah cukup.

sebelum selamat tinggal.

Ada saat dimana melepaskan jauh lebih baik daripada mempertahankan.

Aku tidak sedang membicarakan hubungan semu cinta picisan. Ini lebih dari itu. Ini tentang sebuah proses yang berat dan penuh pertentangan batin: melepaskan.

Melepaskan apa-apa yang kita genggam begitu erat selama ini.

we see, then we judge.

image source: pinterest.com

“We do not see things as they are, we see things as we do.”

Ada banyak hal yang kita temui tiap harinya. Orang-orang, jalanan, peristiwa, langit, pagi, siang, malam, panas, dingin, lelah, sebal, marah, beban, tanggungan, cemburu, patah hati. Semuanya. 

Begitu banyak.

bermain dengan impian.

Selamat malam, maaf untuk postingan berbahasa Indonesia (lagi). 

Bolehkah saya berbagi cerita di malam minggu nan sendu ini? Di sela-sela tugas yang menyita minggu-penuh-liburan ini, bolehkah?

Jadi begini, 

Sejak awal semester empat ini, kepala saya sudah dipenuhi setumpuk pertanyaan yang belum juga terjawab hingga sekarang.Dan mendadak saya merasa menjadi remaja akhir yang baru mengalami krisis identitas. 

Ya, saya merasa terlambat menghadapi krisis identitas. 

self talk.

It’s almost november.
Hmm.
What I’ve been through so far?
Is that really busy as you said on your last post, Nisrina? Or it’s just your dramatical life that makes it feel so hard to be through,Nis?
What you’ve got so far?
Are those things really worth-to-do? Are those things make you getting closer to what you want in your future,Nis?
Yeah.
I’m asking myself.
*Well, If you wanna answer it , just answer, for yourself not for me.

Where everything seems harder as it looks. When everything you’ve done seems not right, even for yourself. When you could be stressful yet happy at the same time. When you try to do your best, even when you realize at the end you didn’t do your best. When you feel so confused about which one you should choose. That is life.
This is life.
And this is yours, Nis.
*
How my current life seems like….

I know where and how to start, but then I forget my own tract and couldn’t find the finish line. I got lost. Somebody please help me to find the finish line.
*

But for the hard times, coming back to you is the sweetest escape I’ve ever had, Blog.

it's been a year.

Mostly-heard-sentences, these days…
“Oh, how time flies so fast.”
“Oh, how It’s been a year.”
“A year ago I was busy doing this, this, and that.”
“Oh, how I hate to grow up.”
Emm…the last sentence is exactly what’s on my mind.
I hate growing up. I hate becoming older and older. I hate when everything seems different than before; everything’s change.

On 2012,
I was a new-college-student. I was really afraid of living far away from my parents, I was also afraid of meeting new people.
That was a year ago. When my journey to the real life had just started.
You must have ever heard kind of old wisdom: "Nothing lasts forever."
I do agree.
Yes I really do.
But people are people.
Basically, people tend to choose everything that makes them more comfortable. Change isn’t a good friend for comfort.
Then here’s something we have to notice: change isn’t a good friend of comfort—at the first time.
When we try to see it clearly, change is a natural thing. It happens anytime until we couldn’t realize.
So let's be friend with changes. So when it comes your turn, you could prepare and greet them well :)
*

This would be my another a hectic week.
Wish me luck!
xoxo,