Redefining My Kind of Therapy

I used to write whenever I feel not okay; when I feel so anxious, sad, angry, disappointed.

Everything that bother and make me restless. I also used to write whenever I feel so happy or did some achievement; I thought at that time, I need to save it digitally so that I can re-read it everytime.

I started to write in my diary when I was in elementary school. It was a A6- size striped book with the padlock. I write it almost every day.

I still remember a day when my mom read my diary. I was upset because it’s my privacy. At the end, she never touched my diary and respect it as my privacy.

Writing was my kind of therapy; when I need to express my feelings and thoughts. 

It was until I started to be more open with my close friends. I started to disclose anything to them and feel waaay safer than I thought before; it was on 2016 until now.

*

But these days I become more sensitive and cranky whenever I couldn’t find someone to talk to. I can easily be upset when the person I need the most couldn’t be there. Simply, I just understand that they are not in a good mood or too busy listening me mumbling.

I do understand them, but I forget to understand myself. That make me become the worst version of myself. I feel so terrible of becoming a grumpy person to my significant others.

I forget to understand what I really need the most: expressing my feelings and thoughts in any way.

I forget that I still can write whenever I feel not okay. I still have myself, the words I used to say to my clients in counselling room, but I forgot about it.

*me, right after Praktik Kerja Profesi Psikologi's Exam

It’s just me, needing myself.

Today I decided to write this kind of notes as a reminder to myself. That I can always find a way to make me feel better. That writing is a theraupetic process for me.

Dear my self,

I’m sorry, please forgive me.

I thank you and I love you.